Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Watching a LOGO documentary on a transgendered male (FTM) named Rene. This is a person who has insisted he was a boy since he was a very small girl. Played with boys, very aggressive and tomboyish. Eventually had hormones and breast removal. And has been in a relationship with a woman for several years, who is now having serious second thoughts. Amazingly, she has never seen him naked.
He's about to have an artificial penis constructed, to complete the process, as he says, of his body matching his soul. Complicated, to say the least. Tumultuous. Rene certainly has a lot of male energy and is pretty convincing.
Although quite adolescent in a lot of ways --he tried out to be a malestripper!-- overcompensating,and understandably self-obsessed.
A terrible predicament. And you can see the agony. Feeling he's a man trapped in an alien body.
Even though I have no political sympathy for the LGBT construct, and a lot of the transgenders I have met in my life --MTF's especially--have not inspired me to want to know them better*, I do have a very small bit of shared experience. Yes, me.
For most of my life I was tall and skinny. During late middle age, I put on some weight. So I was not very happy with my body. I was always clear that I was a male, --no one ever took me for anything but--but I think I felt inside stronger and more substantial than I appeared to be on the outside. Over the last eight years, I have been working out, on average, five times a week or more. I took my time, focussed on enjoying the process, and have achieved more than I expected. In my late fifties, I wound up being in the best shape of my life; and now, at 62, get more attention than I got when I was 42. I do like it, but I also think it's funny.
I remember the day, some years back, when I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, there you are." I felt that the inside and the outside matched better than they ever had. My physical form came close to my ego ideal. It was a very nice feeling. Very nice. And continues to be.
Just a tiny venn with this guy.
*The first transgendered man I ever met was someone I knew for a year, and liked and respected, before he told me he had been born female. I had a very hard time imagining him as a woman, even though, after his revelation, I could see something of a more female bone structure in him. He was a more-than-decent, sane and utterly likeable guy. He married --his wife fully understanding the situation-- and later they had children (adopted or inseminated I do not know; have not see him for many years).
at 2:28 PM