Monday

A bright and seasonal sunny morning by the Bay. B is playing hookey from work today --taking one of his 150 unused sick days!-- and we are going hiking and picnicking on Mt. Tam. Later I'll grill lamb chops and we'll sit on the back steps by my kitchen and drink. He may read from and comment on sections from Mad Magazine or Newsweek. I can't tell them apart.

Interesting and sometimes (very) challenging for me to re-negotiate this relationship. It's been my experience that when a romantic duo hit a wall or come to a fork in the road, they are often tired of each other both personally and erotically and so they break it off entirely. Unfortunately, that's not true of us. It'd be easier if we disliked each other or had become bored in bed. Or if we had a history of bad behavior against each other. We could just part ways and be done with it. In fact, I tried that before with him and it never lasted.

Although I would more than occasionally like to strangle him for being so profoundly, deeply and abysmally foolish as to not want what I want (he knows this, so I am not blogging out of school), he remains for me the most likeable of men, with a super-quick wit and a sunny disposition. No one makes me laugh the way he does. And it is a cosmic understatement to say that we still have a spark between us. We are both eligible for AARP membership but our hormones don't know that. They think they are still 22.

Where will it/we go? I don't know, of course. On one level, I am still pretty confused. But in the midst of all the conflictual desires and the passion, there is a friendship. In a pinch, I know that he would do anything he could to help me. We really like each other very much. That is worth pursuing.


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