Interest and perception

Sexy title, eh? Doesn't it make ya wanna just jump right in and read on?

Anyone who pays attention to how their mind works can see that our interests have a lot to do with what we notice. I first saw this at work when I was in high school and I wanted to buy a typewriter. Suddenly the papers were full of ads, there were more stores that sold them, etc. Prior to my desire, I hadn't realized there was so much typewriterness is the world.

So it's no surprise that the world is full of unsuccessful love matches. On TV, in movies, in my practice, among my friends, in popular songs, etc. An unsuccessful attempt to bond with someone you're in love with, well, it's hardly new or rare. Seems more like a staple of life.

I am certainly feeling better about my unsuccessful attempt than I was in August or September. Some days now I have what I would call an awareness of unhappiness rather than a direct feeling of misery. Some moments, even days, remain a bit hard. And occasionally, very occasionally, I almost feel good.

How I handle it all is largely based on selfishness and experiment. What makes me feel better without, hopefully, retarding the process too much. And sometimes I follow accepted wisdom on how to handle it and sometimes I don't.

In the language of grief, less denial, less anger, a different kind of depression...not acute. Bargaining....can't really say about that. Acceptance...some. It's still somewhat unbelievable to think of the man I believe I could have loved for the rest of my life and know that it will not turn out that way. Not rare, not original, but still hard to take in. Not impossible now, but still hard.

PS...And then of course I come upon the incredibly romantic last minutes of Open Range, where Kevin Costner and Annette Bening finally connect. Simple, direct, human, moving. I'm gonna have to do penance in the Church of Fallen Manliness, but those scenes always make me choke up. Really sweet. Grownup love.