Sunday, May 08, 2011

Imagine greater

That's the slogan for the SyFy channel, home of some of the worst movies since Plan 9 From Outer Space. So many of them are low-budget formulaic drek set in British Columbia's forests, with computer-generated monsters. (It's astonishing that, as with StarGate SG-1, most of the planets in the universe look like the Okanagan Valley.) There's usually a conflicted hero and a phallic castrating bitch girlfriend/rival.

Well it would be difficult to imagine a greater embarrassment than Almighty Thor. It must have cost maybe $100,000* to make. Instead of the extraterrestrial virgin greenery of Vancouver Island, we have the mean back streets of LA. Really. LA. Young Thor, a blond hulk of less than zero acting ability, --there were auditions, and other guys were worse than him?!--is fighting the evil Loki, Richard Grieco heavily made up to hide himself for shame. They fight over the Hammer of Fate or the Sword of Power or something (that thing made out of wood and aluminum foil below). Thor has to keep Loki from provoking Ragnarok. That's the Norse Armageddon, for you non-Scandinavians. The entire movie is conversations, arguments and fights outside in the back streets of the factory district of LA. Cheap sets. As for the script...
You must wait, my lord Thor. You are not ready.
No. I cannot. It is my destiny,
Please, my lord.
No. I must. Do you not trust me?
Above all gods. You are my king. But you must train further.
And the funniest thing besides Cody "Almighty Thor" Deal himself  (sort of a buff Luke Wilson with an unbroken nose)

is his female teacher, lover and inspiration, the giantess Jarnsaxa....played by aging skinny Venezuelan fashion model Patricia Velasquez,

 Norse Giantess Jarnsaxa

(former film bride of The Mummy and former real life girlfriend of Sarah Bernhard...the difference being?*), Spanish accent and all.

But hey, it's LA.

*According to Wikipedia, it was 200k.

**OK, sorry. Even Ex Cathedra has his catty moments. But can you blame me? Really.

PS.  If this movie is a mockumentary, a TV rip-off, of Kenneth Branagh's Thor, apparently the same crap is to be found in the Hollywood big-budget version. SyFy crap faithful to Hollywood crap.


Anonymous said...

Why didn't you mention that Nicole Fox has a role in this movie (apparently "as a Redhead Norn")? ... Sometimes I don't get you.

OreamnosAmericanus said...

Gosh. Everyone's a critic.

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