This and that and this

It's getting closer to the summer solstice and the days are longer. It's past 7 in the evening and the sun is still shining on the trees I can see out my backyard window. Good for the soul.

Men often have a preference for different regions of the anatomy. I am an admirer of a good pair of shoulders. I work on mine and have done better than I thought. Was standing near a man in the gym today whose frame I admire and I thought it would be nice to be built like him. When I looked in the mirror and saw both of us together, I realized we were not that different in the shoulder department. I liked that. Although I am over 6 feet tall, weigh 200 lbs and am in pretty good shape, I sometimes forget that, and the "skinny-marink" I grew up being still inhabits my body.

There are different flavors of tiredness. I am tired after working out, but it feels good. I am tired in the muscles I work out, usually 48 hours later, and this is achy and unpleasant. I am tired to the point of wanting to fall right off to sleep; that is sweet. And I am tired from being too tired; that is not.

Interesting how the component parts of our "real self" get decided. Does it include our neuroses, our immaturities and our maladaptive attitudes, beliefs and behaviors? When I was a teenager, I slumped, dragged my feet and mumbled. My father would have none of it. Consequently, I stand up straight, walk like a man (though I pronate markedly) and speak clearly. What's my real self?

A gay man who colors his hair, has his teeth fixed and gets gel injections in his ass is simply considered to be improving himself, even if it is a little vain. If someone criticizes him because he moves and sounds like a teenage girl, THAT is defended as his real self and the one who criticizes is a homophobe.

What are homosexual men for? Why does nature keep making us? If you reject the notion that we are an ongoing mistake, like a hair lip or deafness, what purpose do we serve?

On a bad day, it seems to me that many of us are merely ornamental, decorative, a kind of accessory to a certain kind of civilization. In the words of Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias, "What sets us apart from the lower animals is our ability to accessorize."

Although I am sitting in northern California, a part of me is floating on the other side of the globe, where it is morning along the Silk Road and a soul I care about is getting ready to board a train.

I'm watching Bogart play Marlowe with Lauren Bacall in the 1946 Big Sleep. Reminds me of one of my favorite films, Neil Simon's 1976 Murder by Death. Wiki describes it: "The plot combines a convoluted, highly improbable murder-mystery arc with plenty of farce, slapstick, witty banter, and self-referential humour." No wonder I like it.